【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

【ツ】

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

If the human brain were a computer, it could perform 38 thousand trillion operations per second. The world’s most powerful supercomputer, Fugaku, can manage only .002% of that.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

How did the days get their names?

- Monday: The Moon (Old English mon(an)dæg "day of the moon")

- Tuesday: Tyr/Tiu/Tiw (the Norse God, son of Odin) (Old English tiwesdæg "Tiw's (Tiu's) day")

- Wednesday: Odin/Woden (the Norse God) (Old English wodnesdæg "Woden's day")

- Thursday: Thor/Thunor (the Norse God, son of Odin) (Old English thursdæg/thunresdæg "thunder's day")

- Friday: Freya/Frigg/Fria (the wife of Odin) (Old English frigedæg "Freya's day")

- Saturday: Saturn (the ancient Roman god of fun, agriculture, and feasting.) (Old English sæter(nes)dæg "Saturn's day")

- Sunday: The Sun (Old English sunnandæg "day of the sun")

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

At first, the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them, he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A U.S. constitutional amendment was proposed in 1893 suggesting that the country be renamed "The United States of Earth."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

One of the more enjoyable things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody... unless you are in prison.

【ツ】

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There's actually a word for when you're trying to say something and suddenly forget a specific word. It's "lethologica."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Funny town names:

Shitterton, England

Hell, Michigan

Why, Arizona

Whynot, Mississippi

Bastardstown, Ireland

Batman, Turkey (at one point, they threatened to sue Warner Bros)

Beaverlick, Kentucky

Bitchfield, England

Boring, Oregon (became a twin city with Dull, Scotland)

Bra, Italy

Catbrain, England

Cockburn Town, Turks and Calcos Islands

Cocks, Cornwall

Condom, France

Dicktown, New Jersey

Embarrass, Minnesota

Cut and Shoot, Texas

Faggot Hill, Massachusetts

Fingringhoe, England

Gay, Georgia

Hooker, Oklahoma

Hop Bottom, Pennsylvania

Hospital, Ireland (the village has no hospital)

Kill, Ireland

Knob Lick, Missouri

Lost, Scotland

Middelfart, Denmark

Normal, Illinois

No Place, England

Ofakim, Israel

Onancock, Virginia

Once Brewed, England (Not far from Twice Brewed, both in Northumbria)

Pennycomequick, England

Police, Poland

Rectum, the Netherlands

Scratchy Bottom, England

Six Mile Bottom, England

Rottenegg, Austria

Surprise, Arizona

Swastika, Canada

Te Puke, New Zealand

Thong, England

Three Cocks, Wales

Useless Loop, Australia

Vulcan, Alberta, Canada

Wank, Germany

Wankum, Germany

Weed, California

Westward Ho!, UK

Worms, Germany¯

\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

It would take 76 workdays (if you work an 8-hour day) to read every online privacy policy you agree to in an average year.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There is a technical name for the "fear of long words. It's called "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The Longest-Living Insect is the Termite! (The termite queen lives as long as 100 years. Producing between 20,000 and 30,000 eggs per day.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”

The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”

“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.” (◕ᆺ◕)

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Darth Vader Never Says "Luke, I Am Your Father" (he says "No, I am your father")

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Two immigrants from rural Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The Canary Islands are named after dogs, not birds. (Islas Canarias, which comes from the Latin phrase Canariae Insulae for "island of dogs.")

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There are many theories, but the true origins of April Fools’ Day remain unknown and are probably lost to history. Nevertheless, it is "celebrated" all around the world.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

All the ants on Earth weigh about as much as all the humans.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke five packs a day, drink a case of beer, only eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied. ”

Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

【ツ】

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Mexican, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next, it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Mexican’s turn. “I want a big bowl of fresh strawberries, ” said the Mexican. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“So, I’ll wait…”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day: They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Australia is larger in diameter than Pluto.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

911: Hello, this is 911 emergencies, how may I help you?

Me: My Boss is dead.

911: Are you sure he is dead.

Me: Let me check... (gunshot!)

Me: Yep.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Penguins used to be almost six feet tall! (Extinct Kumimanu biceae penguins weighed more than 200 Pounds/90.7 Kilograms.)

\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

You know how when you swimming in a public pool and you need to go pee, you just pee in the pool?

Well, I was at a pool one day and I needed to pee so I started peeing in the pool.

The lifeguard saw me and started yelling at me. He scared me, I almost fell in.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

- Easter commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ, three days after his crucifixion.

- Easter eggs date back way before Easter (A symbol of new life, fertility, and rebirth in many cultures.)

- Most people eat the chocolate bunny's ears first.

- Easter was named after the Anglo-Saxon Goddess Eostre (Her sacred symbols were the hare and the egg.)

- Eggs are dyed to represent the blood of Jesus Christ.

- Decorating eggs comes from a Ukrainian tradition.

- Easter is celebrated at different times by Eastern and Western Christians. That’s because the dates for Easter in Eastern Christianity are based on the Julian Calendar.

\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Tokyo is the world's largest city with 37 million inhabitants in its metropolitan area!!!

\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A young boy was looking through some old family photos and asked his mother, “Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that man who lives with us now?”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Spam Mail got its name from the Monty Python sketch.

\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and then put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Neanderthals mass-produced tools—60,000 years ago!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A woman is celebrating her 100th Birthday at her long-term care home.

A reporter, there interviewing her for the local paper asks “What’s the Best thing about being your age?”

She quips back quickly “No Peer Pressure”.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

China actually censored the word for "censorship."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The blob of toothpaste that sits on your toothbrush has a name. It's called a 'nurdle'.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A million Earths would fit inside the Sun!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A wife was sitting on the couch watching TV, while the man was in the next room playing video game in his man cave.

All of a sudden the man hears his wife holler, "STOP-STOP don't go into that church - you Idiot!"

The man hollers from his man cave, "what is wrong honey? What are you watching?"

The wife replies, “Our wedding video”.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The coldest temperature ever recorded on Earth was -144°F/-97.78°C (Antarctica )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brother's. Did you copy this?

Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There are only three countries in the world that don't use the metric system. (Liberia, Myanmar, and the United States)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 - In the '60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

More people speak Mandarin Chinese than any other language.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Jane married Jed and had 13 children and Jed then died.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Jane finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs!"

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Honey does not spoil. You could feasibly eat 3000-year-old honey.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

It can take a photon 40,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface, but only 8 minutes to travel the rest of the way to earth.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”

The pilot replied,” You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A small percentage of the static you see on "dead" tv stations is leftover radiation from the Big Bang. You're seeing residual effects of the Universe's creation.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s a statue,” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

For nearly 70 years, the planet Uranus was named...George. (Georgium Sidus, Latin for "The Star/Planet Of George.")

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to my mother and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

My mother smiled and replied…”Oh, I remember.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Because the speed of earth's rotation changes over time, a day in the age of dinosaurs was just 23 hours long!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Dear John,

I'm a long-time reader of your advice column, and I hope you can help me?

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 35, my husband is 40, and the Neighbor's daughter is 21. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. I hope this helps...

John

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The normal average daily hair loss is around 100-150 hairs per day!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

Called to testify before the IRS, a man asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. The accountant said: “Wear your scruffiest clothes. Let them think you’re a pauper.”

Then the man asked his lawyer the same question, only to receive conflicting advice. For the lawyer suggested: “Wear your best suit. Don’t let them intimidate you.”

Confused, the man consulted a rabbi who told him a story. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. The mother said, “Wear a heavy, long flannel nightgown that goes to your neck.” But the bride’s best friend said: “Wear your sexiest negligee.”

The man looked baffled.”What has this got to do with the IRS?” The rabbi said: “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The Vatican's ATMs Are in Latin!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Bob

“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Selfies Kill More People Than Sharks!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came into the room and sat down on the bed.

“What are you doing?”, asked the granddad. “You’re 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman, and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!”

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes, and missing all his front teeth.

“What happened?”, he asked.

“Oh Grandfather!”, replied the boy. “I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!”

“Oh dear!”, replied the granddad. “Who did you go with?”

“Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?”

“Well...” replied the granddad. “The Third Panzer Division.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Every day we take about 22,000 breaths.!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

Never Stop a Speeding Woman

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: He claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, he told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

【ツ】

Bob took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. “Ooh,” said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks," Bob answered.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

That tiny pocket in jeans was designed to store pocket watches.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Bonus metric system facts:

- Only three countries (Burma, Liberia, and the US) have not adopted the International System of Units (SI, or metric system) as their official system of weights and measures.

- All the units that the USA commonly use, like feet, and gallons, and so on, are actually defined in terms of metric units!

(https://www.sciencealert.com/watch-the-us-has-been-using-the-metric-system-all-along)

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The longest English word is 189,819 letters long!

(It is the full name for the protein nicknamed Titin. It would take three and a half hours to say out loud.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric company, Gas company, Water company, and the Mortgage company!

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Octopuses lay 56,000 eggs at a time! (The mother spends six months so devoted to protecting the eggs that she doesn’t eat. The babies are the size of a grain of rice when they’re born.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”

Little Johnny: “A drinking problem.”

【ツ】

Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “That I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

“I'm from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “So am I!”

“Sure and begorra! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area. McCleary Street, in the old central part of town.”

“Faith, and it's a small world! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well, St. Mary's, of course.”

Really excited now, the first guy says, “Why, so did I! And what year did you graduate?”

“Well, now, let's see. That would be 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, another regular walks in, sits at the bar, and orders a beer.

Handing her the beer, the bartender shakes his head, muttering, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”

“Why do you say that?” she asks.

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

"Genuine Leather" is basically garbage! (Made of the cheapest grade of leather or several low-quality layers of hide glued together. "Full-grain leather" is the highest quality and longest-lasting type)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, “What kind of man attracts you?”

“I’ve always been drawn to Native American men,” she replied. “They’re in harmony with nature.”

“I see,” said the man, nodding.

“But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen always treat their ladies with respect.”

“Please allow me to introduce myself,” said the man.

“My name is Hiawatha Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Originally, cigarette filters were made out of cork, the look of which was incorporated into today’s pattern.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A 90-year-old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codger's age.

"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.

"I'll send you a check from heaven, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.

"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.

"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

M&M stands for Mars and Murrie! (Forrest Mars - son of the Mars Company founder and Bruce Murrie - son of Hershey Chocolate's president.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die.” St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 93 by now!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Dolphins can live up to 50 years!

(Even though the average lifespan of dolphins is about 17 years, some can even live up to 50!)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An 8-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’. As they walked around the office, she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong?

As the staff gathered around her, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

On August 5, every year, the Mars Curiosity rover celebrates the anniversary of its arrival by singing the Happy Birthday song, to itself, all alone, on Mars.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he’s fallen in love and going to get married.

He says: “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: “Right, OK Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did ye know?”

“I don’t like her.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less! (0.5 Gram)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.” So I put it under my arm, left the building, and went home.

Eventually, he called me, and angrily shouted: “Bring my laptop back now!”

I said: “$500 and it’s yours.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.”

Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord!” he said again, and the horse began to trot. “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” he yelled, and the horse broke into a gallop.

Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn’t notice the cliff he and the horse were about to go over. Bill shouted “AMEN!” at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.

Relieved, Bill said, “Phew! Praise the Lord!”

【ツ】

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water! (The phenomenon is known as 'Mpemba effect'.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades - King David

Clubs - Alexander the Great,

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.”

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A snail can sleep for three years.

(Most snails live from 2 to 5 years, but in captivity, some have exceeded 10 or 15 years of age, and a few reached 25!)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A feeling of thirst occurs when water loss is equal to 1% of your body weight. The loss of more than 5% can cause fainting, and more than 10% cause death from dehydration.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A young man showed up at his date’s house and told her they were going to have “an awesome time” that evening.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

“I got three tickets to a concert.”

“Why would we need three tickets?” his date asked.

“The tickets are for your parents and sister.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Mark Twain hated suspenders so much he invented and patented an alternative clasp to keep his pants up. It eventually found mainstream use as a bra-strap clasp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Real Life Funny Dialogues Heard in the Court:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh….

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgment. “Mr. Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.”

Mr. Smith replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows and eyelashes.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A woman was at the customer service desk, returning a pair of jeans that were too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” she said. “They hurt my feelings.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins can!

(By slowing their heart rates, sloths can hold their breath for up to 40 minutes. Dolphins need to come up for air after about ten minutes.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Wife goes to an astrologer to learn more about her husband. The astrologer asks her, “Do you want to know about your husband’s future?” Without hesitation, the wife responds. “I will decide his future, you just tell me about his past.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The word “muscle” comes from the Latin term meaning “little mouse“, which is what Ancient Romans thought flexed bicep muscles resembled.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. “This document’s very important,” said the CEO. “Can you make this thing work?”

The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed “start.”

“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. “I just need one copy.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 12 to 1.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ub42: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Sleep literally cleans your brain. During slumber, more cerebrospinal fluid flushes through the brain to wash away harmful proteins and toxins that build up during the day.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”

The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Butterflies taste with their feet! (Their feet have taste sensors on them that help to locate food for their caterpillars. They stand on a leaf and give it a taste. If they determine the plant is something their caterpillars can eat, they'll lay their eggs in this spot.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says

“I didn’t see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones”

“Thank you, sir.” replied the corporal.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

When you sneeze, the particles ejected out of your nostrils are traveling at 100 miles per hour (160.9 kph), creating upwards of 100,000 droplets. A cough can only travel as fast as 50 mph (80.47 kph) and expel around 3,000 droplets.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Poetic Joke of the day:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu. The first to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination—Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,

Met three chicks in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The annual number of worldwide shark bites is 10 times less than the number of people bitten by other people in New York.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A manager of a Retail store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man applying, has never worked in retail before.

The manager says, ”For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.

Well Sir,” the applicant replies,” the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Wikipedia is downloadable!

(You can download the entirety of Wikipedia and keep it on a USB drive.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Database_download )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Bonus tip:

It's easy to calculate a tip without a calculator.

Assuming you want to tip 20 percent for good service, move the decimal point one digit to the left and then double that number. For example, if a bill is for $35.50, you move the decimal to the left, which gives you $3.55. Double that number, and you've got $7.10—a 20 percent tip calculated in seconds.

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Wife’s diary entry: Roy was behaving strangely tonight. We went to a restaurant. The conversation wasn’t flowing so I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving in silence. When we got home, I felt completely lost. He sat quietly and watched TV. I showered and got into bed. He followed me 15 minutes later and fell asleep. I cried. I’m sure he was thinking of someone else.

Husband’s diary entry: A two-foot putt! Who the HELL misses a two-foot putt?

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The Antikythera mechanism, discovered by sponge divers in 1900, is sometimes called the world's first analog computer. Designed to calculate dates and predict astronomical phenomena, it was so advanced nothing surpassed it for almost 1500 years.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An elderly woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on a patio with her husband. With a loving look in her eyes, she says "I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you!"

Her husband asks (somewhat skeptically), "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Her response: "It’s me… talking to the wine!"

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The ancestor of the modern chainsaw was invented to facilitate childbirth! (Two doctors invented the chainsaw in 1780 to make the removal of pelvic bone easier and less time-consuming during childbirth.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”.

The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The boys wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The girls wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The oldest customer complaint dates back to ancient Mesopotamia. In the nearly 4000-year-old cuneiform tablet, a customer claims he was sold inferior copper ingots.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Father looks hard at a rude and rebellious teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew you two losers couldn't be my biological parents! I want to meet them!"

Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Chewing Gum After a Meal Reduces Heartburn! (The saliva that's stimulated by chewing gum becomes more alkaline, effectively neutralizes the acid reflux that creates heartburn while soothing your esophagus.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is I have to get up in the morning.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Greenland sharks don't reach sexual maturity until they're 150!

(Greenland sharks, which are also known as gurry sharks or grey sharks, tend to live long lives. As the longest-living vertebrate on the planet, they can swim around the ocean for up to 400 years and don't reach sexual maturity until they're 150.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Soviet Cosmonauts took shotguns to space with them!

(It was for when they returned to Earth in case they landed in Siberia and had to fend off hungry bears.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I get plenty of exercise at work – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there’s his mother-in-law on the front step.

She asks, “Can I stay here for a few days?”

The man says, “Sure you can.” And he closes the door.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Venus spins clockwise. It’s the only planet that does!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

One evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to “fool around” at night.

That night went well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry, and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that. Well, Ralph was too tired.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Neptune has only completed one orbit around the Sun since its discovery!

(Neptune takes 165 years to complete one full orbit around the Sun. Since it was discovered in 1846, Neptune only recently finished its first full post-discovery orbit in 2011.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Tom and Wilbur were talking about modern values. "In my day, I did not sleep with my wife before we got married", says Tom. "Did You?"

"I am not sure," replied Wilbur. "What was her maiden name?

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Our solar system is 4.57 billion years old!

(In about 5 billion years, our Sun will expand and become a Red Giant, and in about 7.5 billion years, its expanding surface will swallow up and engulf the Earth.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

An asteroid about the size of a car enters Earth’s atmosphere roughly once a year – but it burns up before it reaches us!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?

“If elected, I promise…”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

An asteroid about the size of a car enters Earth’s atmosphere roughly once a year – but it burns up before it reaches us.!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

A year on Earth isn’t 365 days!

(It’s 365.2564 days. It’s this extra .2564 days that creates the need for a Leap Year once every four years, when we add on an extra day in February every four years, just to keep the calendar year synchronized with the astronomical year or seasonal year.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

“Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.” -Mark Twain

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Only 3% water of the earth is fresh, 97% is salted. Of that 3%, over 2% is frozen in ice sheets and glaciers. This means less than 1% of fresh water is found in lakes, rivers, and underground.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said, "I'm Alexa, you moron."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

People move their eyes more than 100,000 times a day!

(Around three times a second, which is more than 100,000 times every single day. )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino’s holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

“I haven’t ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was having for dinner.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Your brain generates enough electricity to power a 25-watt light bulb!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The World's most durable battery was created in 1825, and it's still holding its charge!

(It powers 'Oxford Electric Bell' that was set up in 1840 and which has run nearly continuously ever since.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

"Mr. Jones," began the timid looking young man, "May I... um... can I... what I mean is, will you...."

"Why yes my boy, you have my blessing," smiled the girl's father.

The young man gasped. "What's that? I have your what?" he asked.

"My blessing to marry my daughter of course," replied Jones. "That's what you mean isn't it, you want to marry her don't you?"

"Why no," said the young man. "I just wanted to know if you could lend me $50.00?"

"Certainly not!" said Jones, sharply. "Why, I hardly know you!"

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

(Usually called pearl essence, or pearlescence. It's the silvery stuff found in fish scales that's used in some lipsticks, nail polishes, ceramic glazes, etc., to make them shimmery.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer:

-Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

- Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

- After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

- Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

- When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

In Australia, an episode of Peppa Pig was banned because it taught children not to be scared of spiders!

(Australia has spiders that are much more dangerous and deadlier than the ones people see in Europe and America.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Waiter: Can I take your order, sir, kids eat free today.

Me: Oh, well, in that case, I’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster, a 15oz steak, and a small bottle of champagne, please.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Women have sensitive hearing even while sleeping!

(Evolution is the reason. They are hypersensitive to sounds during sleep so that new mothers can hear and respond to crying babies.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The teacher said in his classroom:

“Take a pencil and paper and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' “

Everyone, except for Little Johnny, began to write.

“What’s the matter?” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you write?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Little Johnny replied.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Woolly mammoths were still alive when the pyramids were built!

(Around 2580 to 2560 BC. The last woolly mammoths disappeared from Wrangel Island in the Russian territory of the Arctic Ocean just 4,000 years ago,)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Nintendo has existed for over 130 years!

(Founded in 1889, the original Nintendo sold playing cards.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The world's oldest unopened bottle of wine has been sealed since the 4th century!

(The Römerwein, or Speyer wine bottle, is a 1.5-liter glass vessel which was found in a Roman nobleman's tomb in what is now Germany and dates back to sometime between 325 and 359 AD, which makes it at least 1,650 years old.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Wife: I’m headed to the store, do you want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life… I seek fulfillment and completeness in my soul… I want to discover the spiritual side of myself!

Wife: Be more specific. Beer or vodka????

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

You typically only breathe out of one nostril at a time.

(Nostrils share the work when it comes to inhaling, and you actually inhale most of your oxygen through one nostril at a time. The active nostril switches every few hours. )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?

The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

50,000 cells in your body died and were replaced by new ones while you were reading this sentence.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The patient asks: Doctor, how much will it cost to do a facelift?

Doctor: Complete treatment is $15,000.

Patient: It’s too expensive!!!! What is the cheapest way to make me look young?

Doctor: Here is a PACIFIER…ONLY $5…

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Reading reduces stress by 68%!

It relaxes your body by lowering your heart rate and easing the tension in your muscles. It also exercises your memory and helps maintain your critical thinking skills.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.”

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said “Brr… Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The biggest tire manufacturer in the world is Lego. The company makes more than 50% more tires than other tire manufacturers such as Bridgestone or Goodyear.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”

---

A fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

---

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A good lawyer.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

When the candy cane was invented in Germany, it was shaped into a “J” for Jesus Christ. The red stripes symbolize His blood.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he bowed and finally said, "Your Majesty, I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Orthodox Christians celebrate New Year twice, once on January 1st and then again on January 14th!

(Orthodox New Year falls on January 14 by Julian calendar, and Orthodox Christmas is on January 7.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The name for January comes from the Roman god, Janus, who is always depicted with two heads. He uses one head to look back on the year before, and the other head to look forward into the New Year!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

After 50 years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"My dear," he protested, "Don't stir up trouble. I know you, and if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised that no matter the number, she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he finally said, counting on his fingers while chronologically remembering his past lovers.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

If two pieces of the same type of metal touch in space, they will bond and be permanently stuck together!

(This phenomenon is called cold welding. This doesn't happen on Earth because the molecules of air, water....etc. are separating the pieces.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A customer in a New York restaurant complimented the chef, “Your veal parmigiana is superb! I spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The bread was invented in Egypt around 8,000 BC.

(The first examples of it were flat and unleavened, most closely resembling what we know today as chapatis in India or tortillas in Latin America. )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition. “I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways didn’t agree with me. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

“I came,” the second man replied, “because my wife started taking violin lessons.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

In Iceland, it’s hard to come up with a creative name for a newborn. A government committee prevents parents from giving babies names it deems too weird. The committee’s name is Mannanafnanefnd. :)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A wife was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air-conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Pretend I’m out of town; go inside and make dinner yourself!”

So he went back inside the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, “Where’s my dinner?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town,” he replied.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There is a species of jellyfish that is immortal!

(Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish can revert back to its juvenile polyp stage after maturing, continuing in an endless cycle making it the only known officially immortal creature.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Alcohol cannot kill brain cells!

(That is a myth, but it does have the ability to damage dendrites (a short branched extension of a nerve cell) and make it increasingly difficult for the neurons to communicate.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A manager of a Retail store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man applying, has never worked in retail before.

The manager says, ”For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.

"Well Sir,” the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Alcohol does not actually warm you up!

(alcohol makes us feel hot because it causes our blood vessels to dilate. The blood comes closer to the surface of our skin, making us feel warm. However, this also pulls our body heat away from our core and closer to the surface, causing heat to evaporate from the skin faster. The result is a cooler body temperature in the long run.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Where do baby carrots come from? Ugly carrots!

(When a California farmer realized he was discarding 400 tons of carrots a day because they were too bent to be sold, he gave his harvest a makeover, sliced them into smaller pieces, and ran them through a potato peeler to smooth them out, and sculpted into rounded sticks. Today, baby carrots are a $1 billion business.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning,” is the human version of “turn it off and turn it back on again.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

When you get too hot or you lose your cool, your nerves send signals to open millions of glands, allowing sweat to flow. It pools by your armpits, palms, feet, head, and private parts. Germs love to swim, so they jump right in. Sweat on its own doesn’t smell bad. It’s the bacteria that mix with it.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

“Oh, no!” the kangaroo groaned to her friend, the rabbit. “The forecast calls for rain.”

“What’s the problem with that?” asked the rabbit. “We could use some rain.”

“Sure,” the kangaroo said. “But that means my kids will have to play inside all day!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Espresso means "pressed out" in Italian!

(This refers to the way espresso is made — forcing boiling water through pressed coffee grounds. And although espresso has more caffeine per volume than coffee, it would take three shots to equal the amount found in a regular cup.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

“Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”

“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the Principle.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The sensation of falling when half asleep and jerking yourself awake is called ‘hypnic jerks’

No one is totally sure why hypnic jerks occur but they are deemed to be perfectly healthy. However, they may be increased by anxiety, caffeine, or physical activity close to bedtime. They’re more frequent in young people and decrease as we get older.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A woman told her husband he was spending too much time at the local bar. So one night, he took her along. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “I don’t know…the same as you.” He ordered two beers and she took a sip, then spit it out. “Yuck! That’s terrible. I don’t know how you drink that stuff.” The husband’s reply: “Well there you go. And you think I’m out here every night enjoying myself.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

There's a Word for When You Can't Remember a Word!

(When you're trying to say something and suddenly forget a specific word, it is called "lethologica.")

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother, and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad," she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Dreams are responsible for many of the greatest inventions of mankind!

A few of the World-Changing ideas that came from dreams:

Alternating current generator - Nikola Tesla

The idea for Google - Larry Page

DNA’s double helix spiral form - James Watson

The sewing machine - Elias Howe

Periodic table - Dimitri Mendeleyev

Theory of Relativity - Albert Einstein

The model of the atom - Niels Bohr

The structure of a molecule - Friedrich August Kekulé

Analytical geometry - René Descartes

... and many more!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Long Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"True enough, replied the son of Erin, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Antarctica used to be as warm!

The coldest ever land temperature was recorded in Antarctica, -89.2°C (-128.6°F), but, Antarctica was once warm. Researchers have estimated that 40-50 million years ago, temperatures across Antarctica reached up to 17°C (62.6°F). Scientists have also found fossils showing that Antarctica was once covered with verdant green forests and inhabited by dinosaurs!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens were greeted by the Pope.

Pope: What a great honor having the first sign of foreign life in the Universe visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our savior and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes, and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. a great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turns some water into wine (great laugh!), shows us his walking-on-water-trick, and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Earth is fast!

Earth travels around the Sun at an average velocity of 107,182 kilometers (about 67,000 miles) per hour. At the same time, it is also spinning with enormous speed: rotating once every 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09053 seconds (called the sidereal period) and its circumference is roughly 40,075 kilometers. Thus, the surface of the earth at the equator moves at a speed of 460 meters per second-or roughly 1,000 miles per hour.

Continuing this thought, our solar system (Earth and all) whirls around the center of our galaxy at some 220 kilometers per second, or 490,000 miles per hour!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce"

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Russia is only 2.5 miles (4 km) from the United States!

The closest geographic point between the borders of the United States and Russia lies in the Bering Strait located in the Pacific Ocean. There are two small islands known as Big Diomede and Little Diomede. Interestingly enough, Big Diomede is owned by Russia while Little Diomede is owned by the US. The stretch of water between these two islands is only about 2.5 miles wide and freezes over during the winter so you could technically walk from the US to Russia on this seasonal sea ice.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The Fire Dept. was called out to the local laundry the other day because of a report that a woman was stuck in a washing machine. Everything turned out to be OK, the Firefighters were able to rescue the woman without her suffering any harm, however, she is missing a sock.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Goosebumps evolved to make our ancestors’ hair stand up, making them appear more threatening to predators.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

An Elderly man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the man's sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him, "what's the matter?".

The man says, “Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?”

The woman nods.

The man says, “Well, today I could have been a free man.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Bananas Can't Reproduce!

The bananas we all know and love, known as Cavendish, are in fact a hybrid of two other plant species. It has no seeds and has only been able to reproduce with the aid of farmers, who remove and transplant part of the plant's stem in order to create everybody's favorite yellow fruit.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?”

Little Johnny pipes up, “HIJKLMNO”!

The teacher is puzzled, “What on Earth are you talking about, Johnny?”

Little Johnny looks hurt, “But sir, you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

AI Can Now Read Your Mind!

A new methodology has been developed by roboticists that can create an image of your thoughts using an FMRI scanner. The AI is designed to construct an image from your brain and compare it with other pictures, received from volunteers.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

83-year-old Phillip was just going to bed, when his 81-year-old wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that 3 men were breaking into his garage.

He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, 3 burglars are trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”

The dispatcher replied, “I see, sir. Is your garage detached from your house?”

He said, “Yes, but never mind that, these bastards are breaking in and stealing from me!”

The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and stay indoors. An officer will be along when one is available.”

Phillip said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he called the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garage. Well, you

don’t have to worry about them anymore, because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the old man’s residence and

caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them?!”

Phillip replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

The word “husband,” derives from the Old Norse husbondi or “master of the house.” The word “spouse” seems to carry less baggage: it has its origins in the Latin word sponsus "bridegroom" (fem. sponsa "bride"), which comes from the term spondere, meaning "to bind oneself, promise solemnly."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Ashley says to John: I told you, I’m on a strict plant-based diet.

John: Don’t worry, these burgers are all plant-based.

Ashley: Mmm… this is delicious. What plant is this from?

John: Meat-packing plant.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Antarctica set a record for the coldest temperature!

While the coldest temperature ever measured by the thermometer on Earth's surface was made at Antarctica's Vostok Station, the coldest ever recorded was minus 136 degrees Fahrenheit (minus 93.2 Celsius), measured by a satellite in pockets scattered near a high ice ridge between Dome Argus and Dome Fuji, two summits on the East Antarctic Plateau.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A husband got an SMS message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now.”

The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, “Sorry, damn autocorrect, I meant using your Wi-Fi.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Your financial institution’s zero-liability policies may vary!

Some financial institutions will reimburse you for fraudulent charges on your credit card, but may not do the same if thieves make such charges using your debit card. So, a smart thing to do is go and review the liability policies of your financial institutions, then you'll know what to expect should you discover fraudulent activity.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

Nine months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad, and I left with my Mom.

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Products you buy on Amazon are being suggested to you by Artificial Intelligence!

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told his investors that the company's AI systems are being used to individually recommend specific products to customers on its e-commerce platform. Beyond that, the same AI determines which deals to offer you and when.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” Joseph looks at Mary and says, “Write that down—that’s much better than Clyde.”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Most prolific mother ever!

Mrs. Valentina Vassilyev (Shuya, Russia) lived to be 75, and between 1725 and 1765, have had 69 children!

She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets!

The record for most children born to a single woman.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

【ツ】 Joke of the day:

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

（◔◡◔´）Interesting fact:

Being an internet troll is a job!

A troll farm or troll factory is an institutionalized group of internet trolls that seeks to interfere in political opinions and decision-making.

One study showed that in recent years, 30 governments worldwide (out of 65 covered by the study) paid "keyboard armies" to spread propaganda and attack critics.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------------<<<>>>------------

Wow, you've read all of it! That's about 15k words! :) Continuation is on the second page, to avoid annoying page loading time.